on love, laos and loneliness

My internet situation is a nightmare so i hope my irritation at computers doesnt mar this posting. oh, and there wont be any apostophes throughout--not an option. Nor are images. And i can barely see the screen. But this is the best its gotten for a few weeks so im taking advantage of the opportunity (limited tho it is) to send a hello out over the ethernet.

Hello.

first: congrats to GFH on the feminist porn awards. yay! have heard many great things about this years awards and im so proud and excited for the gang! im so psyched to see it go in new directions with new ideas and energy. so cool.

Second: this is way too long. i should post more frequently but...see above re: internet. Just read it in little chunks over the next weeks and ill try to be a better blogger.

So: Im living in bangkok and have been for a few weeks. its a long story but i decided/was invited to stay here and work with Empower as an english teacher. i have a cheap micro-apartment in the finance district. Its 5 mins from the Empower office on Patpong 1--in the citys oldest sex tourist area. it is a typical working class apartment--one room, no kitchen. I am soooo happy having stopped in one place and am loving bangkok in all its crazy beauty.

Before I got here though, I spent nearly a month in lovely little Laos and then 10 days traveling with my dad and cousin Christie. First, Laos. next posting: more on thailand.

Because I didn’t know a thing about Laos before I arrived, finding this quiet, gorgeous green country felt like falling through a hole in the ground and into an emerald forest. Laos is small. 6 million people and almost totally un-industrialized. As in: rural villages with thatched homes, run by village headmen who are elected by all the village adults. Yknow i never expected a village headman to be a smiling, open-faced 25 year old guy in a sky blue polo shirt. that was the day we arrived at a wedding where I was asked...mmm, ordered is more like it, to dance with the wedding guests. i literally couldnt understand one godamned thing that was happening so I took a deep breath, danced and drank the rice-whisky.

Laos’ claim to (western) fame is being the target of the American *secret war* and having been the most bombed country ever. Most of the country consists of forested hills being burned to create rice paddies—and many old craters. It’s unbelievably beautiful. I never imagined I’d see anything like it.

Plus waterfalls, wonderful travellers who dont complain that no one speaks english (?!), green hills and rivers, little girls with roses in their hair, hand-made ice cream sold by a guy in a pith helmet on a bike, craters and caves used during the American war, the smell of slash and burn agriculture, insanely good baguettes, novice monks shyly practicing their english. and temples, temples, temples.

I kayaked through a river beneath limestone cliffs. I spent 3 days deep in rural countryside at a mining exploration camp where i walked in clouds and talked to one of Laos’ most powerful and wealthy men. His right-hand man who learned english in a thai refuge camp translated. We smiled politely across the vast cultural and linguistic differences. When any of the laos guys working there talked to me, it was a huge deal and the entire camp would watch. I had to get used to such an immense level of uncomfortable attention in Laos. I mean, im an extrovert but not an exhibitionist--id say i was uncomfortable about 95% of the time for my first couple months. Now in Bangkok, im down to about 50% of the time. But discomfort is just the name of this game so im getting used to it. Not only am i farang (foreign), im a solo female. i.e. unimaginably weird.

I got propositioned by the provincial minister of social services and labour over a game of Petanque (a french game akin to lawn bowling). I stumbled on this rad photo gallery where Lao young folks (apparently only hunky young dudes from the self-portraits i saw) are given cameras and photo training, something i really liked because Luang Prabang is carpeted with french tourists taking endless snaps of the "colourful" children, monks and hill tribe folks in the former french colony.

Jesus.

Oh funny story, i found god too. did i mention that part yet? um, yeah, i realized im more of a theist than i had thought.

AND I started meditating. wow, who knew? ok, half the world but still, its AMAZING. i dont know why i started really. I just did it on whim and to my suprise, i found it created this warm, loving, heart-opening sensation in me. huh! thats cool! In fact, one day, after an hour or so of sitting, i walked out onto the main tourist drag in Luang Prabang and thought "oh, these tourists are so cute in their funny hats, squinting in the sun!" Then i KNEW for certain it was having an effect. tourists are not that cute. Regardless, i noticed myself feeling compassionate toward a few of my fellow travellers who had been driving me crazy. Like, genuinely. I wasnt tolerating them, i was just able to love them for their humanness. And mine. Neato.

While in laos i coined the phrase Incredibly Authentic Experience With the Locals (IAEWtL) to describe the fetishistic way that travellers hunt down "the real laos" and then brag about it. When i had my own IAEWtL, i would often not tell other travellers because i cringed at the way these experiences were treated as trophies. But then sometimes i would casually pull one out and watch its impact on those around me. i felt devlishly hypocritical doing it but it was so hilarious to play with.

Ok, so back to love! My my, hasnt this been interesting. So in SE Asia, foreign dudes can prepare to be both hated and adored. As in, many thai guys resent them for obvious reasons while piles of lovely thai women are very, very happy to make their acquaintance.
And as for us foreign girls? um, well be over here in the corner for the REST OF OUR LIVES watching it all. Were not *invisible* per se but might as well be. So ive gotten fairly used to being stared at and knowing that no one will ever actually approach me--but neither will i be harassed. Just stared at. endlessly. In my time here ive seen thousands of foreign guy-thai women couples and TWO that were the reverse. It does. not. happen.

Which brings me to loneliness. In the past ive been unsure how loneliness feels. Is this it? is that? ha. now i know, oh, so intimately. Ive had lots of time to observe my own thoughts, mood and reactions and what ive noticed is that i take loneliness personally. i think its about me. i am doing something terribly wrong and thats why im alone.

Since i noticed this habit, its gotten better--i have more perspective and catch myself. but still, i had this awful night of sobbing for hours shortly after i settled here in bkk...and then its been better ever since. Now im fine. Im only here for another 6 weeks before i leave for cambodia and brisbane Australia. Not much more time really and ive made friends. its cool--but i have learned that landing in any new city can be brutal. try one with 10 million people where i dont speak the language, understand the culture or have any friends!

Ok, the other thing about my loneliness: no queers. There are tons of visible queers here. While Thailand still has its measure of homo and trans phobia (some of which is reported to be imported from westerners), queerness and gender variance is definitely more tolerated than it would be at home and seeing what we might call "gender queers" is a regular occurrence. the travel agent is a tom (what we might call butch), the woman running the internet cafe is trans, the boatman is a mincing flamer. its amazing. I gape in delight at gender expressions that would be met with outright violence in Canada.

But i have as yet to figure out how to actually meet and connect with the Bkk lesbian crew. i remain committed to finding a way to meet bkk queer women! I tried the one dyke bar with disastrous results. well not entirely. The FIRST time i went i ended up making out with a cute tom in the alley but the second time two women hit on me but they both had gfriends who, understandably, got really pissy and cold toward me. ugh. i felt terrible and weird about the whole thing as my status as a foreigner was clearly playing some role.)

oh, just got invited to go out dancing (by a tom--with guess what? a girlfriend!). Im debating (she might have cute friends OR ill end up in another totally awkward debacle involving a tom with a wandering eye for the ladies)

and hey, happy new year! thailand is on the buddhist calendar and today is day 1 of 2552. The city is involved in a massive water-fight. I havent left my house without getting soaked and covered in a white paste for days.

Next time: some fun stories about teaching! hanging with my family and elephants! and maybe pictures if all the computer gods will it to be so.

love,
cg