the island

All,
I never quite know where to start...I can feel my insides changing--maybe from the permanent smog or maybe from the way my mind is being blown. I've been in the norther thai town of Chiang Mai for a few days hanging out with the women of Empower (the thai sex workers organization) and am in *total awe*. Developments a'happenin' but that's for later.

For now I want to talk about "the island" and about beauty. I was not looking for the perfect beach. I don't tan or do beach things. Lounging is not my style. Plus I think it's annoying how western tourists are always looking for that perfect undiscovered beach and then complain about how much they've all been ruined by the other tourists. It's as though they feel that Thailand owes them--and only them--their postcard version of the country. Pah. But well, i'm in a place who's natural beauty is legendary so I figured i should at least have a look! I would do my best to avoid the dumb party scene and find something quiet. I asked around, got some recommendations and then, what the fuck? An actual island paradise presented itself.

Koh Chang (there are two islands with the same name--i went to the one no one has heard of). Koh Chang has no electricity except for a few hours from a generator for the restaurant, otherwise, lit only by the sun or our trusty flashlights, required for walking home along dirt paths after sunset. No tv, air con, internet, phones, cars, roads, loud music or motos. I walked 90 mins inland to get to a store that sold me the pair of flip flops i'm wearing today.

I lived in a bamboo hut (or "bungalow" as they are called) in the trees over looking the blue-green Andaman sea for 2 weeks. Every day i swam, played in the waves at sunset, played beach volley ball (seriously) or did yoga, read in my hammock, ate, walked, wrote and hung out with travellers, many of whom were long termers, spending months or years on Koh Chang and spoke thai.

I awoke to birds in the trees every day. I saw how a spider's eyes create a diamond-like refraction at night. I played with the cook's cute-baby-fat kids at every meal and got to know Ton, Fon and Sunny who run Crocodile Rock Bungalows.

On my first day on Koh Chang i showered (using rain water) in the thatched open-roof shower. The sun streamed down on me, dappling through the trees. I noticed a couple of orchid plants on either side of the shower and started to laugh a little. The beauty was so over the top it seemed almost comical. But the laugh caught in my throat and became a choked sob. Beauty on this scale is a visceral experience. Pictures do not prepare you for it, i can assure you. It encompasses everything--from the phosporescent lights in the sea at night that create comets of sparkles to the sky packed dense with stars all visible because of the total night-time darkness. Believe it or not, on my first night there, i even saw a shooting star.

Seriously, you can't make this shit up. I was gaping up at the sky with this german boy i was minutes away from having a fling with and we both saw it. When we returned to the little open-air restaurant that served our bungalows, one staff person was still around--Sunny. He played us Burmese songs on his acoustic guitar and showed us card tricks--all without a single word of shared language--in the total silence of the island. Crazy.

After i got used to mind-boggling beauty surrounding me, i was lulled me into a sort of complacent stupor. Doing 3 things in a day seemed plenty (wash clothes in bucket, go to yoga, play in waves). Hard life. But i got terribly lonely with only german tourists around! They were my only company till i met Mayyasa.

Phew. thank god for Mayyasa, a british (well, Syrian-East german but born in london) documentarian. She was walking down the beach (the only one on it i might add. of course--you must have guessed that the beaches were huge and empty too right?) one morning and might as well have had "LESBIAN" tattooed on her foreheard. I flagged her down and insisted we have dinner. Until 2 days ago when i met the women of Empower, she was the only person i'd met since i left Hong Kong that i felt i could really be open and relaxed with. Otherwise, western tourists are mostly really fucking boring people (and say racist things All. The. Time.)

After 2 weeks both Mayyasa and i left Koh Chang and we spent 2 days running errands and nearly getting killed by a motorbike in bangkok. Chatting in our little flea pit hotel room in bkk about Koh Chang, she mentioned how the beauty had brought her to tears. We talked about how we'd never expected that beauty could have such a powerfully emotional impact (grief? from a beach? wha?). We made rough plans to meet up again on the road and i'm really hoping the timing works out.

Ok, i'm going to get my hair dyed and finger nails painted by Fon at the Empower drop-in centre. I'm learning so much from them so fast that i drop with exhaustion every night and am writing heaps and heaps. Promise more details later.
I miss you all (tho i do not miss TO).
xo
chanelle
p.s. no pics yet. too much trouble to load! but i will eventually. plus, if you want to see what i described above, then come! Did i mention that my bamboo bungalow cost $6/night? Ton can be reached at tonn1970@yahoo.com tho he only checks email 2/month.

bang! kok!

Gang of believers,
Holy fuck, i'm in Bangkok.
After Atlanta Georgia, Richmond and Leesburg Virginia, NYC/Brooklyn, Ottawa and Vancouver, I flew to Hong Kong on Jan 15. There are a million things I could say but I wouldn’t know where to start so here's a bit of it.

1. Apparently it takes a village to move me out of my apartment. I was so touched by the incredible community support I got in getting ready to leave. I couldn’t name all the ways that folks helped: from a FULL day move to drives and DJ'ing and encouragement, support, advice and kisses. Mmm, kisses. Big, big love. I don't know what i did to deserve you all. I have a debt to my friends and community that i hope i can repay.

2. Hong Kong and Macau: butch extraordinaire Mais Lee is my hero. Mais and her family in HK took me in and then she gave me the royal tour of hong kong from shark fin soup to the top of a mountain to drinks overlooking a spectacular skyline and back alley night markets. Amazing. I got off the plane and hit the ground running. We spent 12 hours walking on my first day. (we figured i took every single form of transit available that first day). And eating, of course. Eating in both HK and bangkok is indescribable. Can i tell you what it feels like to bite into a small wrapped candy only to discover it is tuna flavoured? deliciously and viscerally disorienting. wonderful.

God, i don't even have time to describe my day of guns, sun and gambling in Macau. (i ended up hanging out with a bunch of european and korean guys shooting AK47 bb guns on the small island of Taipa. long story)

3. Bangkok.
The first leg where i am alone and it hit hard. I fell into this strange fog. It was as though a bell jar had descended over me and the old Chanelle was gone. In her place was someone timid, overwhelmed and confused. Me, timid. The first day I barely left my hotel room. I was thinking “hey! It’s Bangkok man! Get out there” but I could seem to go no further than about 6 blocks from my hotel. I slept anxiously for a good part of the afternoon.

Day 2, I managed to make it about 10 blocks from my hotel but still not enough to see or do any of the things on my list. Just accomplishing basic tasks like eating and staying hydrated seemed to consume all my energy. When I thought about taking a bus somewhere, let alone a river taxi, I wanted to cry.

Like everyone, I feel all sorts of fears and anxieties all the time. But I rarely bother to heed them because worry is just a way my mind keeps busy. It's rarely an indication of real danger. This was different. As i wrote in my journal on my second day "I can't believe how insurmountably difficult everything seems...I have no confidence here. Huh. That's kind of cool actually." It was interesting to me, to see myself afraid. I felt like I got to understand more about fear and what it feels like. Mostly I didn't resent it--i just figured i'd hang out with the feeling til it changed.

And then yesterday (day 3), it did. About half way through the day, on the river bus (which I took in the wrong direction naturally), I suddenly woke up. I realized that I was perfectly capable of getting around and taking care of myself. I was going to be fine.

From that moment I was able to jump in with both feet: I waded across 12 lanes of traffic to find the temples, took river taxis all over, jumped on the skytrain out to a lovely park for some respite from Bangkok’s heat and smog and finally spent nearly 3 hours on a public transit odyssey out to the outer edges of the city to get a bus ticket outta here. It was a hilariously challenging expedition--the station had moved and entire families were trying to help me find it, calling their brothers and the station to no avail. But i was delighted. It didn't matter how long it took or how many times i backtracked past the smirking street vendors trying to find the right stop. I was myself again--curious, fearless and ready to go.

The fear might have been due to just simple disorientation. I've learned alot, fast. How to eat (use your fork as an implement to push food onto a spoon. Forks do not enter the mouth), how to sit at a temple (never point feet at Buddha), how take a bus (doors are in the middle of the bus, an attendant will come get your fare, the Stop Request button is on the ceiling), how to introduce myself (prayer-like hand position. Touch nose to fingertips) and how to find my way around a notoriously confusing city (directions will often refer to a street then say “turn left at the coffee shop, then right, left, left”. Many streets are unnamed or inconsistently named so they don't even bother) and so on. So, with that hard-won bus ticket, i am off tonight on an overnight bus to a tiny island in the south. Not sure for how long. i *may* do a 10 day silent retreat at a buddhist centre that begins on Feb 1. I'll let ya'll know. i'll save my thoughts on being a farang in thailand (farang=westerner) and about the sex industry as i have seen it, for later.
xo
cg
ps oh! and btw, totally cute thai butch dykes here!