Oz it is

Hi all,
Just a quick update to let you know that i have decided to drop my backpack and live in Australia till next June.

or so.

I could always leave before then but right now i'm expecting to stay in this country for the full length of my year long visa. I don't know where i'll be going after that.

I'm a bad tourist. I've had incredible experiences traveling but ultimately i'm more naturally drawn to creating a home and deepening my connections wherever i am. My initial plan had been to stay in Australia for 3 months then go to Berlin to see my friend Anna but as the time approached for me to leave, i got more and more stressed out about squeezing it all in before leaving. I wished someone else would choose for me: Australia or Germany.

The deal-breaker was a conversation i had with my best friend Loralee, who said "just be where you are.". That's so deep! I'm on it!

And in fact, part of the appeal for me in Sydney is the Buddhist centre. I want the time and space to study, meditate, read and write. Moving every 2 weeks does not allow much of that.

Sydney also has a lot going for it: a lovely, lively queer community in a fantastic neighborhood called Newtown, beauty, friendliness (so! friendly!), and ease. Within 48 hours of arriving i had a sublet, a job, a meditation class, friendly friends inviting me to stuff and a full schedule. Everything just fell into place as though it was all supposed to.

I'm hoping to get an apartment in September, though i have faith that if that doesn't work out, something else will. Next week i'm leaving for a three week road trip through the outback in the great Northern Territories. 4 women, 3 weeks, 1 van. Fun! (I was so not ready to leave the country before doing that!). This weekend I'll be on an island for Lenine's 30th b-day celebrations so i will have little to no internet access for the next month.

An update on my sex life
My life in Sydney is populated by numerous very cute, smart and charming queer girls--and a few boys. This has led to a recent realization that i do indeed still have a sex drive--but it's changed. I am still fully awake to desire, i just no longer have need to pursue it or be pursued. If sex comes my way, nice. If not, that's also nice.

For months, i'd been thinking i was experiencing a flattening of desire but that's not it. Now my desire is just more "still". It just sort of sits there, friendly and alert but not hungry anymore.

I've found this completely liberating. I think that my desire has often been related to a need for reassurance that I am desirable/lovable/worthy. There are two problems with this: First it means that i was trapped in a never ending cycle of of craving adoration. I rarely got to stop and feel satisfied. Second, though this wasn't conscious or intentional, it still amounts to using people to feed my ego. Blech! (that's shorthand for: i consider this unethical and something I endeavor to end.)

I remember the exact day my sexuality shifted. After a long dry spell in Thailand, I had this totally unexpected threesome with two Thai women. I think I may have mentioned it in a previous post? No, no. That was a *different* almost-threesome. (oh brother, how times have changed). Anyways, it was pile of fun. They were adventurous girlfriends of three years and I was their prey for the evening. They got me drunk at noisy bar and took me home.

The next day i had this feeling I didn't recognize. It was satiation. I felt "full". Done. Satisfied. I've felt different ever since. Strange eh? I have no idea why *that* finally, was enough. One odd fact: my menstrual period disappeared at the same time. Haven't had one since April. Anyone think that might be a problem?

This confirms a Buddhist theory I always resented: that desire causes suffering and that attempting to feed our desires just produces more of them. They were right. Rats!

So now I focus on non-sexual ways to give and receive love and attention. My friend Elena described it thusly: "You no longer need sexual attention. Your radar for a diversity of attention has expanded and you can find non-sexual forms of attention just as satisfying, fun and stimulating". I thought that was so insightful, i promptly wrote it down.

It's true. I walk around with my hair in a bun and have worn the same pair of pants for the last month. I don't much care who thinks I'm cute. I learned months ago that I can be loving in non-sexual ways. Often it's as simple as paying more attention to someone. Noticing and listening. Holding the door, picking up the check for lunch, doing the dishes, getting a little gift, baking, being encouraging, singing along. The most important one though, is attention.

And you have it. So tell me something you want me to know.


love,
Chanelle
p.s. here are some pics i took on an idyllic day on a farm with my new 6 year old friend Taneisha. She was staying at the same farmhouse i was visiting in the northern (rural) part of the state. From the very first we recognized each other as sister-femmes. We picked fruit then she art directed a photo shoot of the fruit basket, we played "scary makeup", we built a house for an imaginary lizard, we picnicked on the grass and we stared at clouds. A lovelier few days, i can't imagine.