Leaving Australia

I've been in Australia for nearly a year and in about a month—on June 5, I leave. My next stop is the States but so far I only have about two weeks planned out. Beyond that I’m not sure and I don’t yet know when I’ll be coming to Toronto. I’m pretty sure it will be in 2009 but can’t say exactly when yet until I hear back from a training program I’ve applied to in San Francisco.

The reason I'm leaving Australia and not coming to Canada are the same. Well actually, I have to leave Australia because my visa is expiring but even if it wasn't, I'm ready to go. This country has been very good to me (as it often is for white folks) but I've gotten comfortable and I'm not really challenged anymore.

I've slept on a thousand beds, in truck cabs, cars, buses, planes, trains, floors, vans, backyard tents, grimy hostels, the couch of friends-of-friends', swags, a teepee and a wildly rocking sail boat. I've slept drenched in sweat, freezing in three layers of clothing, with my toes peeking over the end of a nine year old's bed, in a few farmhouses, a luxury resort, under the stars in the middle of the desert, in beachfront bungalows and my most memorable: in the Northern Territory, crammed into a back seat of a hatchback piled on top of my luggage with about a foot of space between my head and roof. I got around.

But the worm turned for me a few weeks ago at the launch for the book Femmes of Power. It was exactly what I'd be doing in Toronto. I mean, as if I wouldn't be at that launch. At the end of the night I had a slightly strained interaction with an acquaintance so I walked over to Pike and my friend Rachel and asked for reassurance "It's okay if not everyone likes me right?". "Of course! But you are liked! blahblahblah" they exclaimed. But something twigged inside. I knew that night that I'd been in Australia too long—I've started worrying what people think of me. And that, my friends, is the end of the fun.

I get all cozy when I’m in community surrounded by folks I’m connected to and share some kind of history with. So despite my efforts to remain on the margins, I slowly recreated major facets of the best parts of my life in Toronto: I made great friends, started to feel connected to the queer community and increasingly involved in community organizing. Oh, I fell in love too.

While that’s all very happy-making, those are not the best conditions for experimenting with life. When I feel comfortable, familiar and connected, there's a strong incentive not to keep taking risks that might result in negative effects on the relationships that have become to so important to me. Essentially, I become complacent, living my life in an everyday way and deepening my friendships instead of growing and challenging myself. I didn't cross the bloody planet to worry about whether Sydney queers will like me. Booooooring! So it's time to go. It's time to be strange and uncomfortable, lonely, liberated, homesick and new again. I want to put myself back on a steep learning curve and I need to create a heap of space so I can focus on a couple of writing projects that are dear to me.

So while I’ve started to get excited about visiting Toronto again, it’s not necessarily the best idea for me right now. It took me months of heartbreak to deal with my homesickness too so I’m not keen to re-open all those wounds when I know I’m not done travelling yet. I will keep you updated though.

OH! Some bizness to attend to!
I will write again later about what I got from Australia but for now, some bizness I need to attend to. First, my friend has been storing a bunch of my stuff in her basement for me but she is selling her house and I need a new storage solution by May 31. Does anyone have space I can use for a heap of boxes? I have been paying a monthly fee and am happy to continue doing so. Alternatively, is anyone willing to volunteer to move my stuff to a new storage space? It's a big favour and I can either pay, barter or thank profusely and bake for anyone who can.

Second: I have a mobile phone that a friend has been using while I've been gone. She no longer wants to keep using it and I could disconnect it and pay out the rest of the contract but it's a very good plan for cheap. Does anyone want to take over my cell? The cost is $45 for unlimited calls anytime day or night within Toronto. With taxes and assorted bullshit, it works out to $61/month. Your only responsibility would be to pay the bills on time and not wreck my credit rating as the phone stays under my name.

Thanks for your love and support peeps.